We are the girls…

LeT’s TaLk abOUt SEX baBY! Well, ok, let’s talk about BABIES baby!

If you’re like me, you probably have a friend or two or two dozen who are getting ready to welcome/have welcomed un(e) bebe. And if you’re like me, you’re probably also like WTF we are still children how on earth…oh…wait…okay….yeahhhh…I guess it is about that time….

So a couple of weeks ago I was talking with my dad about my plans for the future and reassuring him that yes, I do eventually want to settle down, and yes, he WILL have grandchildren. Several of them. One day. As you probably know, my case of Wanderlust is right up there with Trump’s determination to keep anyone on his staff from testifying about this whole Mueller debacle — AKA it’s STRONG. Therefore, half of the reason that I want to move to London is so I can travel and see the world. Or at least Europe. Whatever. And it occurred to me in that moment with Dad, that I, as a 26-going-on-27-year old woman, Oh Fuck I Need To Get Out There And Live My Life Like Right Now If I’m Going To Pop 2/3 Kids Out By The Time My Body Betrays Me. 

Crrraaaaapppppppppp.

I started doing “the math.” Let’s say I have my last kid at 39. 39 is fine right??? I mean yes that will technically make me a geriatric mother, and yes, I will probably (hopefully) be well into my 60s by the time that child gets married, but that’s OK! But working back from that, thinking along the lines of having 3 kids, I would need to have the second around 36/37. And the first one by 34/35. And I Definitely want to be married for a few years before I have kids…which means I need to get married by what, 31/32?? Which means I should probably meET THE POOR SOUL BY AT LEAST 29, AND SHIT THAT’S IN LIKE 2 YEARS AND I HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE I STILL NEED TO DATE BEFORE I MEET the one LIKE PRINCE HARRY WHEN HE FINALLY REALIZES MEGHAN IS A PSYSCHO AND SCRUFFY ARTIST/MUSICIAN TYPE WITH A SPANISH ACCENT AND THE REALLY RICH BUT SLIGHTLY DOUCHEY FINANCE GUY and oh my god. For the first time in my life, I felt, well, old. And then I chugged my Aperol Spritz and promptly ordered two more.

Before I lose you – let me explain. I do not think 26 is old. At all. In fact, I acknowledge almost daily that I’m still pretty much a kid and have my entire life ahead of me and that’s all swell and great. But unfortunately, if you have a uterus like I do, the hard facts are that you have to get certain shit done pretty early on in your life. Shit that is completely life altering. Yes, I know, I’m referring to the miracle of childbirth as “shit.” But I just can’t help thinking that even though so much in my life is up in the air and has so much possibility at the moment, some of it, the BIG STUFF, has to happen within the next few years. And that, on some level, makes me feel like I’m already 39 (which, ok, STILL not old. At all.) and that years of my life are done and I didn’t get to live them.

Ok, maybe I was a bit hypocritical referring to the Meghan as the psycho…

***

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by all of the options you have? Think about how much world there is out there, and maybe you think, am I on the right track? I feel this all the time. After all, we are the generation who was told we can be anything, and we feel like we have to be everything.

Sometimes knowing that I want to have children makes that feeling even stronger. I also acknowledge that wanting to have children is a choice, and not something that I feel like I need to do because the world tells us that women are here to have babies (say what you want, but the sad fact is that a lot of people on this planet still think that.). I want kids. I do. I want to have a relationship with my kids like I had with my mother. Maybe my issue is that I need to stop thinking about having kids as the end of my youth and “fun” but instead look at it as the next chapter in my life.

But the overwhelm isn’t just about procreating. It’s about all of the lives I want to live. It’s about being content with what I’m doing, but still thinking, “What if?” And thinking, am I going to look back on my life in 40 years, and really truly believe that I have lived it to the fullest?

Maybe I just need to take a step back from the pressure of being Everything and remember to be grateful to the women (and w/e men…) before me who made it possible for me to be anything.

“We are the girls with anxiety disorders, filled appointment books, five-year plans. We take ourselves very, very seriously. We are the peacemakers, the do-gooders, the givers, the savers. We are on time, overly prepared, well read, and witty, intellectually curious, always moving… We pride ourselves on getting as little sleep as possible and thrive on self-deprivation. We drink coffee, a lot of it. We are on birth control, Prozac, and multivitamins… We are relentless, judgmental with ourselves, and forgiving to others. We never want to be as passive-aggressive as our mothers, never want to marry men as uninspired as our fathers… We are the daughters of the feminists who said, ‘You can be anything,’ and we heard, ‘You have to be everything.’”

-Courtney Martin